It’s now 5 weeks after my bilateral mastectomy and everything has been absolutely amazing so far. If you have been following my blog, you may have even picked up that I have had some minor feelings of guilt at how brilliant my recovery has been, especially given I was up and about within hours of my surgery and I have been pain free since day 1.
I haven’t been sad or cried even once, nor have I had any feelings of anger or remorse about the decision I made. I’m loving my body more than ever, despite the big scars across my chest and the absence of my breasts and nipples. I’ve returned to training, been for a few runs, I’m back at the gym and I have even been back on my bike for some hard sessions on the wind trainer.
All in all, it has been a near perfect recovery. Yes there was that little mishap with me wetting the bed one night, but after reading many messages of support from friends who have had similar little ‘accidents’ themselves, in the big scheme of things I have had an absolute dream run.
That is until yesterday!!
Yesterday I cried! Actually, I didn’t just cry, I bawled my eyes out as I talked to myself out loud in the car on the way back from seeing the surgeon. I even broke down in front of some friends when I went to pick our girls up from a play date! It was very out of character and really weird to experience.
Why was I so upset?
I feel ridiculous even complaining about it. So much so that I was even tempted to just sweep it under the rug and ignore the fact that I had a full blown solo meltdown just minutes after my final expansion.
In fact, I feel so silly about it, that I hadn’t even spoken to my husband about it at the time I was preparing this very blog.
The expansion went perfectly well, once again there wasn’t any sign of pain and the increase in size was smooth sailing. The amazing surgeon increased my chest by another 100ml on each side, to total 230ml in each breast. This is still quite a lot less than the amount of breast tissue removed from each side, so anyone would think that I would be happy, right?
I’m still not sure!! I sat in the car for around 10 mins after finishing with the Dr, with the time spent taking some ‘after’ shots of my chest post expansion, a tradition I started pretty much from day 1. I like to keep a record of the visual journey, so the before and after shots are pretty normal. No reason for tears, that’s for sure.
So why the tears?
I was trying to work that out for myself as I was driving home, unsuccessfully trying to wipe them away before they rolled down my cheeks and onto my shorts. Thank goodness for sunglasses!! I managed to not look too strange waiting for the traffic lights to change, but to be honest, at the time I didn’t care. I wasn’t happy and I was letting it all out!!
And here’s why…..
I hated how big my boobs were!! There, I said it! I realise it must be ridiculous to read, but I was bawling my eyes out because my foobs (fake boobs) were freaking enormous!! They didn’t hurt and nor were they uncomfortable, I didn’t really have any physical reason to cry, but I just couldn’t help myself. Holy Big Boobs Batman!!
I was grabbing at them, holding them in my hands at every available opportunity. I would try one hand, two hands and if I’m to be completely honest, I think if I had another half-a-hand, I could have used that as well.
Yes they’re hard, I knew that would be the case. Yes they’re big, I also knew that would happen. So why was I so upset?
After giving it some thought, taking some reflection time and chatting to a friend about it, I think I was really upset because they’re just so bloody big!!
I’ve had big boobs (natural, perky and pretty much near perfect boobies) in my late teens. Back then everyone wanted big boobs. Not too big that you were picked on at school, and not too small for very much the same reason. Mine were bigger than ‘normal’ for someone my size, but they were great! I loved my boobs for about the next 10 years, before they started to become a pain in the ass when I was running or participating in sporting events. Thankfully over time they disappeared and became a nice little B cup.
When kids came along they grew enormously again (do remember me saying I could lick them while pregnant? True story!), but they deflated nicely back to a more ‘loose’ and mum like B cup. Now that I don’t have them anymore, I’m somewhat more comfortable sharing a full frontal ‘all natural’ selfie which was likely taken just days before they were removed.
Since my early 30’s I have come to love and appreciate my smaller bust line, so the shock today of having an instant bust again really knocked me about.
I confided in a friend, I asked whether I was being silly, I even sent an image of the side-by-side comparison……which to be truly appreciated should really be clicked in to see a larger image of the transformation.
Some very wise words and good advice came my way. “Just wait until it’s all done, enjoy them and strut your stuff, they’ll only be this big for a short amount of time”. Great advice, except for the fact that I need to wait 6 weeks before seeing the surgeon again.
- Am I more upset at the way they look?
- Am I more upset at the delay in not having the exchange done this month (which was my goal)?
- Am I more upset that this means a delay on my ability to start training for the Smiling for Smiddy Challenge ride I’m a part of in August?
- Am I more upset that I won’t fit my clothes? That my foobs look very obviously fake now and that I’m stuck with them for at least the next 7-10 weeks, depending on when I can be booked in for surgery?
- Am I more upset that perhaps the reality might be that I won’t be able to have the reconstruction until after I finish and return from the Smiddy ride in September? Is there even enough time to train if I add in another surgery late May/June and then take 3-4 weeks to recover again before I can resume training?
This means I’m potentially stuck with these foobs for 6 months!!! OMGoodness, I want to cry right now! Here’s a full frontal view of exactly what it looks like……remember, to really appreciate the difference, click on the image and check out those knockers!!!
What’s the big deal you ask? I can hear the great advice from friends and family already playing over in my head……
- Gee Yas, you really are whinging a lot for someone so positive!
- They don’t look that big!
- You chose to have this surgery done so why complain? (something my little Miss 7 reminds me of all the time – and she’s right!)
- At least you won’t get cancer.
- You knew they were going to be bigger before they could do the exchange.
- It’s all part of the process.
- Just wait and see what it turns out like after your exchange.
- It will be done before you know it!!
It really is no big deal I know. I think I was just so upset that my plans (playing out in my head) are now all out the window and I’m now faced with between 6 weeks and 6 months of waiting……waiting…..waiting…..
I even skipped gym this morning because I was in so much shock at how HUGE my boobs looked in my regular training gear.
I’ve picked myself back up off the ground, but I will admit it was a bit of a struggle. A big part of me just wanted to cry all night long, go to sleep, wake up and see my perfect little flattish chesty there when I woke up.
I decided to talk about it with Leigh and also Layla and Libby today. The look on their faces when I showed them my bare breasts says it all. I’m not the only one that thinks they’re ginormous!!!
This was the look on Libby’s face when I showed her…..
Her initial shock was apparent. She couldn’t believe how big they looked, she poked and prodded them and we laughed together about how big they are now.
This was the look on Layla’s face when I showed her…….
She literally laughed! That hand over the mouth is very real, she thought they looked hilarious and then her big brown eyes widened with interest as she had a little feel and commented at how hard they were.
As for Leigh, I finally got around to showing him 24 hours after the expansion. He too looked closely at them and commented about how high they sit up. He grabbed them and was shocked at the firmness, but when he said that he might need a ‘closer inspection’ tonight, I realised that no matter what they look like, whether they’re real or foobs, with or without nipples, most men really do have a soft spot for boobies. His exact words when he saw them though were ‘ay caramba’.
In keeping with my promise to remain open and honest throughout the whole process, I recorded a video immediately after my expansion yesterday. It’s very real and raw, I fought hard to keep the tears at bay and while I’m really risking ridicule for my weakness towards such a small issue, I have decided to honour my word and share it.
Click on the image below to watch the You Tube footage.
It’s not something you hear women say regularly, but yes, I’m upset that my foobs are so big, but I know it’s part of a journey and I’ll pick myself up, dust myself off and suck it up until this journey is complete. I’m heading out in public tomorrow to train with the Tri Alliance Queensland squad, I hope I fit into my cycle jersey!!
I feel so much better for sharing my feelings and getting it all off my chest (no pun intended).
Thank you for your continued and unconditional support.