If I’m to be completely honest, which is something I’ve always promised on this blog, most days I don’t even remember that I’ve undergone a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy.
Somehow along the way, I think that this blog has allowed me to heal in a way that I can’t even explain myself. Without being disrespectful to those who are travelling along their own journey, I often find myself thinking ‘it really is no big deal’.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not playing down the seriousness of such a procedure. The challenges and changes physically and mentally that come with making the decision are significant, but somehow in this whole journey, I am finding myself not really impacted by it all.
When people ask me how I am, I don’t even think about the surgery. I’m usually thinking about the here and now, the moment I’m in and the surgery is the last thing on my mind.
I know I’m at risk of being judged, and to be honest I’m perfectly OK with that. In reality, when I started this blog I essentially put myself out there to be judged, so I really can’t complain if people want to jump to their own conclusions and judgements about what I communicate here. Everyone is entitled to an opinion and I respect that.
I’m at a stage in my journey where I really don’t feel any different to how I did before surgery. I’d even go as far to say that my process was ‘easy’ in the big scheme of things. I had no complications, I wasn’t emotionally unstable at any time and I have never once regretted my decision to remove my breasts. I don’t miss them, I don’t want them back, I don’t look at my body and worry about how it looks and I certainly don’t think that it’s any different to any one else out there.
For a little fun, I even picked up one of these bikini tops recently. If you can’t have fun in life, then what is the point really? Judge away if you must, but at the end of the day, there’s nothing rude or vile about the top, it covers everything up and while it might turn some heads, does it really matter what people think? I have foobs now, so this top really makes me laugh!
Yeah I have no nipples, my foobs feel like rocks under my skin and I have a cleavage gap that you could drive a bus down, but you know what? I’m alive, I’m here and I’m happy.
Some people find it strange that I am so open about it all. From the outside looking in, I can imagine that it’s very unusual for someone to sit there and talk about their foobs (or boobs) so openly. I remember one friend grabbing them in her hands and having a good feel of the firmness, the shape and the overall structure of my foobs. This might seem strange from the outside looking in, but the reality is, they are not breasts and someone feeling my foobs right now is no different to them touching a cast on my leg if I was in traction.
So as I approach the next few months, which will involve me getting my butt onto the bike and riding at least 4-5 times a week in preparation for the Smiling for Smiddy Challenge ride, leaving on Saturday 30 August, where I’ll ride by bike from Brisbane to Townsville over an 8 day period, I’ll get on with life and live my new normal.
It’s easy to forget what I’ve been through, other than me ripping my top off and flashing the foobs which isn’t likely to happen. The only real indicator is probably when you hug me, it’s hard not to feel the ‘rocks’.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions and talk to me normally about it, because although it might seem strange to you, it really is no big deal to me.